


hold my shaking hands and lie to me

by boston_sized_city



Category: The AM Archives (Podcast), The Bright Sessions (Podcast)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Autistic Adam Hayes, Autistic Oliver, Established Relationship, M/M, Oliver-Centric Because I Love Him, Spoiler-Free for TAMA, autistic author, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:22:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26832883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boston_sized_city/pseuds/boston_sized_city
Summary: Ever since Tier Five, Oliver had been able to hide less. Before, it had been easier. He had strategies, ways he’d practiced and maintained.The AM had broken him. Beaten every strategy and technique he had out of him. Stripped him of all of that. Being alone in a glorified prison cell for three years really did something to him.But it did give him something good, too. An excuse.(Or, Oliver really doesn't want to tell Mark.)
Relationships: Adam Hayes/Caleb Michaels (Mentioned), Mark Bryant/Oliver Ritz
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	hold my shaking hands and lie to me

**Author's Note:**

> Little one-shot based on a HC I have about Oliver!  
> Slight CW for some ableist phrasing used by Oliver in reference to his own autism and mentioned/implied ableism.

Ever since Tier Five, Oliver had been able to hide less. Before, it had been easier. He had strategies, ways he’d practiced and maintained.

The AM had  _ broken  _ him. Beaten every strategy and technique he had out of him. Stripped him of all of that. Being alone in a glorified prison cell for three years really did something to him.

But it did give him something good, too. An excuse.

“Sorry,” he said once, almost sarcastically (at least out loud- he did mean it), when Mark told him that he’d been being standoff-ish towards his sister. “I was isolated for three years, lost all my social skills.”

Mark had hummed in sympathy- He understood, after all, he’d been in the same prison- and went back to the regular conversation they’d been having. Oliver had been relieved.

Now, he figured, after three years of being out of the AM, was a good time to tell someone. One person, that was it. He could deal with one person knowing. That was a good start, at least. Tell one person, and then tell Mark. Tell Mark. The end goal. The hardest part.

Oliver wasn’t exactly best friends with Adam Hayes, but he liked the kid well enough. He knew Mark liked him, knew Mark wanted them to get along. Adam was an easy person to tell.

So, when they were all hanging out, sitting in Mark’s living room with drinks and old board games, he got up and followed Adam to the kitchen.

Adam was pouring soda into a glass when Oliver caught up. He turned when he heard the footsteps, giving a small wave. “Hey, did you want this?” He held out the soda bottle, shaking it a little.

He shook his head. “No.” His hands went to his shirt, twisting the hem between his fingers. “How did you tell Caleb that you’re autistic?” He asked, before he could think better of it.

“What?” Adam blinked, caught off guard. Then his expression shifted to something else. He blinked again, processing. It took another minute. “Are you- Are you asking because you need to tell Mark that you’re autistic?”

That sent a jolt through Oliver that he didn’t like. He repeated it in his head.  _ You’re autistic.  _ Like he was reminding himself after pretending for years that he wasn’t. Like this was a different person Adam was speaking to, and he needed to get out of character for the first time in six years.

He nodded.

“I don’t know how much help I can be- Caleb knew before we were together. It wasn’t as much pressure.” 

Oliver nodded slightly, stilling his hands. “Right. I’m, uh.” He told Adam, at least. “Sorry. I’ll let you get- get back.” It was getting harder to get out full words.

Adam’s eyebrows furrowed. “Are you sure?” He dumped some of the soda in the sink, clearly having got too much.

_ Yeah, I’ll be out soon.  _ He couldn’t seem to push the words out. God.  _ Shit.  _ His arms felt stiff at his sides. There was a tightness in his chest, in his head. He was used to it, it happened when he was frustrated or too upset to do anything but cry. He pressed his palms into his eyes and leaned on the counter, exhaling slowly.

“Oliver?” Adam’s voice sounded different- Concerned? “Do you want me to get Mark?”

No.  _ No. Say no. _ His fists clenched, almost on their own. He forcefully unclenched them, shaking out his hands. Trying to stop it. Trying not to hit the wall.

Adam said his name again. He moved closer- Oliver heard him- but then stopped. “I- Do you want me to go?”   
  
_ I don’t know. This hasn’t happened in years. Not in front of people.  _ He managed to move enough to get to the back door, shoving it open and getting outside.   
He was in tears by the time he collapsed against a tree. He pulled his shaking knees up to his chest and closed his eyes, breathing in. Breathing out. Breathing in. Breathing out.

He didn’t notice that the backdoor had opened again until Mark was kneeling in front of him, a frown obstructing his usually bright and smiling face. “Oliver?”

_ Go away. Please go away.  _ Oliver shook his head, flinching away when Mark reached to touch his shoulder.  _ Don’t touch me.  _

Mark nodded, just slightly. He sat down. “Can I talk to you?” he asked. His voice was gentle, not like Adam’s was. Softer.

_ I didn’t want you to see me like this.  _ But he didn’t say anything. Couldn’t. He nodded a little- Maybe being talked to would help. He couldn’t remember if it ever had before.

“Is it a panic attack?”  _ No.  _ He shook his head. “Okay.” Mark probably figured he couldn’t get Oliver to tell him what was wrong, because he didn’t ask again. He moved to sit next to him. “I’m here, okay? As long as you want me to be.”

Oliver closed his eyes. Breathed in. Breathed out. He didn’t catch what Mark said next; His focus was back on his breathing, which was too loud in his own head.   
He reached out, picking up Mark’s hand and pulling it to his own chest. He held it there for a moment, feeling his heartbeat against his thumb. Then he lifted their hands and pressed the back of Mark’s hand against his lips.

It was cold. Real. Mark didn’t move or touch him any more than that. Just let Oliver hold his hand.   
Oliver put up his other hand and held Mark’s with that one, too. He turned it so Mark’s palm was towards him, and softly kissed that side.

He dropped their hands. Mark held his shoulder, and Oliver let him this time. “Are you okay?” Mark asked.

_ Maybe- Maybe I could be. _

“Okay. Okay.” He’d said it out loud, he realized, as Mark answered. Even if he couldn’t hear his own voice and he was sure it was quiet and shaking. He’d said it out loud. “What’s wrong?”

_ Oh.  _ That one was in his head, he was sure. “Oh,” he said out loud, softly.

“Oliver?” Mark picked his hand back up. “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay. But it’s getting cold out here.”

Cold. He hadn’t noticed that, but it was. He shivered, and Mark let go of his hand to pull him into a hug. Oliver tensed for a moment before relaxing and hugging back, squeezing Mark’s waist like he was keeping him grounded. He  _ was  _ keeping him grounded.

He felt Mark let go as he started to stand, and followed him. His hand was being held again, which he noticed when Mark squeezed it gently. An “I love you” accompanied the squeeze.

_ “Love you-” _ Oliver echoed, so quiet that he didn’t think Mark heard, even standing right next to him. He blinked back at him. Had he said that before? No, no they’d never- This was new. This was  _ new.  _ “You-”

This wasn’t “I care about you,” like Mark had said a thousand times before, like Oliver had. This was “I love you,” a phrase that he’d seen Caleb and Adam throw around in conversation like punctuation. A phrase he heard at the end of every Hallmark movie Mark forced him to watch. A phrase he couldn’t force himself to believe was for him.

“I’m sorry.” Mark let go of his hand. “If you don’t-”

“No, I-” His mouth went dry. He licked his teeth. His hands wrung his shirt. “Mark, I have to tell you, I-” 

A tug at his chest said,  _ he won’t love you if he knows _ . 

A loud heartbeat in his ear said,  _ he won’t love you if you keep hiding it. _

A hand on his shoulder said,  _ Oliver.  “Oliver.” _

“Oliver?”

Mark. Mark was standing in front of him, a hand on his shoulder. He was frowning again- the same frown as before. “If I upset you, I’m  _ so  _ sorry, I know this was a bad time and it just slipped and I didn’t- I mean, I meant it. But I didn’t…” He stopped, no longer looking Oliver in the eyes. He dropped his hand.

“You don’t mean it,” Oliver said.

“What?” Mark looked back at him again, and the frown was different. Something he couldn’t place. “Of course I mean it, do you think I don’t-  _ Baby.” _

He hadn’t noticed he was shaking. Not until Mark set his hands back on his shoulders to hold him still. Three years of lying, of pretending, of acting  _ normal.  _ They fell, the lie shattering as Oliver broke down against Mark’s chest.

When he could speak, he said, “I didn’t- I didn’t want you to- to treat me differently or… or decide that you didn’t want to put up with me.”

“I’ve been putting up with you for three years, Ollie.” Mark smiled a little, but it was pained. Even Oliver could tell that. He held his hands, his smile dropping. “Babe? Hey, what is it?”

His heart pounded in his ears. He barely heard himself say it.  _ I’m autistic.  _

Mark pulled him back into a hug. He pulled back after a moment, and asked, “Do you think that’s not okay?”

_ All I’ve ever been told was that it wasn’t. _

“I’m so sorry.” Oliver didn’t know why he was apologizing. “It’s okay, I promise it’s okay. It’s okay and it doesn’t mean that I don’t know you or that I don’t love you.”

_ Do you? _

His hands were warm again, folded in Mark’s. He squeezed them, feeling them still. “I love you.”

Oliver swallowed, chest still tight. He breathed out.

_ I love you, too. _


End file.
